Own It

Ok guys, I’m super nervous to write this post. It’s going to be pretty honest, and I’m scared. But I do feel like I need to be honest with you guys. Bear with me, as I’m not 100% sure as to the direction of this post. 

I want to start out by discussing Amanda’s post. She talks about fears related to “impostor syndrome”-the concern that one feels as if he/she is faking what he/she is doing, and will be found out. She discusses the fears that her flaws will be found out.

Wow.

I can definitely relate to this, especially as a “healthy living” blogger. I definitely feel like I’m being hypocritical. I don’t feel as fit as I should be to consider myself a decent healthy living blogger. So here it is. I’m owning it. 

How can I promote healthy habits when in the time since starting this blog, I’ve gained a lot of weight? Just to be clear-the gain has nothing to do with blogging. Circumstances in my life have changed and things have happened (hellooo mono).

Have you noticed I’ve hardly posted any recent pictures? Why? To be perfectly honest, I’m embarrassed. And scared. I don’t want to lose my validity as a blogger because of my body. Because I don’t exactly feel like it’s my body. It doesn’t represent me and my interests. Just because I’m not 100% healthy does not mean that I want to be, or that I care any less about my health. Image

I’m still extremely active. I just haven’t found the right balance in a while. And I HATEHATEHATE talking about weight on my blog because it makes me uncomfortable, but I have to own it. And maybe that’s the first step to finding a solution.

And again, to be honest, this is part of why I haven’t looked into getting a spin certification too closely. I feel like I don’t look the part. But you now what? That’s just stupid. If I have a passion, I should pursue it. I’m still fit and muscular. I just have a little more body fat than normal. Since we’re being honest. 

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And since we’re being super honest, let’s go into why I need to find peace with myself and get the excess off.  

I’d be lying if I said my freshman year wasn’t hard. But before I go complaining, I don’t want to make it seem like I didn’t have a great year. I really did, I loved the new experiences and new people. But I made it harder than it needed to be. 

Because here’s the thing about being a health-obsessed and fit person. Gaining weight sucks. I mean it sucks for anyone, but it made me feel so powerless. After overeating something, I would panic. I would wonder why I couldn’t control myself. I would wish for the body I had a few months before. And when you have a decent sized course load, those moments are especially bad. I would have times where all I could do was just stare at my computer screen, or frantically scour the internet for a solution. Or map out my eating, my future plans, anything I thought would help. It made schoolwork almost impossible. (I would like to clarify though-it’s not like I failed all my classes. A lot of this time came out of my sleep.)

Part of this panic/sadness was the result of sugar/carb crash. I always felt like sugar messed with my hormones and made me crazy. And when gaining weight, I was eating a lot of sugar. That my friends is  recipe for disaster. 

I decided to share this with you guys because I had a similar panic experience the other day and realized it hadn’t happened in a while. I’m eating way better than a few months ago, but I did quite a bit of damage on the scale (and yes, I know the number isn’t everything) with bad eating habits early on. I also realized that I need to get to a place where I’m happy and comfortable, and in control before school starts so I can do well in my classes with no distractions. Hopefully my grand admission will help kick my butt in gear to get to where I need to be. So here I am, owning it.

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  1. You know what posts like these are what make you a healthy living blogger. When you show your readers that you are struggling and that it’s hard for you to be healthy 100% of the time then you are simply being real and able to relate with them. As far as your body goes (you look great by the way) there isn’t a certain way your body needs to look to be a healthy living blogger. I do know what you mean though…in my head I think my abs need to be flat for me to really be a healthy living blogger. I’m struggling right now too with trying to be a healthy living blogger too. I’ve been on vacation for about a week and a half and I have been everything but healthy. I haven’t worked out which drives me crazy. But next week I’ll get back to my normal grind. Anyways keep your head up!

    • Thank you so much for your response! It means a lot to me-I was really nervous about posting this but I thought it needed to be said. There is no one size fits all healthy living blogger! And vacations are part of being healthy and that balance too!

  2. great post, very REAL. i think your knowledge and desire to be healthy doesn’t invalidate just because you feel you don’t ‘look the part’. if you’re passionate about something, people will connect and believe in you. i think you’re addressing what a lot of people go through, kudos for facing it head on and writing about it!

    • Thank you! I feel like this isn’t something talked about in the blog world and I was super nervous about posting it-thank you for your response!

  3. I’ve learned the hard way that some people are just not meant to have a low body fat percentage or be super skinny–and you know what? That’s okay. Everybody is different, and the most important thing is that you’re happy with YOU. If you love and appreciate yourself, others will too. The hard part is getting there. 🙂 I’ve stopped weighing myself altogether; it just does much more harm than good for me. Best of luck, keep us updated, and keep your head up! You’re gorgeous, love, both inside and out, and don’t let anybody–even yourself!–make you think otherwise.

    • I miss reading your posts! But I totally understand. I’d be lying if I said I never considered giving it up, but in the end I decided that it was something I really loved and could do something with!

  4. Make sure you take a moment to recognize just how big of a life change going to college really is…and how it can contribute to all of these feelings you’re having about your weight/body. I know I underestimated just how different it is being completely independent and responsible for your well-being while away at school. I’m in college approx. 2,000 miles away from home…and I added on the responsibility of bringing my horse to college with me too. Needless to say, a whole other climate, living arrangement, diet, etc. definitely has had an impact on my life. Plus, I decided to make a huge lifestyle change and get into exercising/eating better during my early college years. And in the past 3 years…my weight has been all over the place. And so has my feelings about my body. So please, from one fellow college student/health conscious young adult to another….acknowledge that what you are doing (being healthy, exercising, studying, etc.) is not an easy feat to find balance with!! Life is a journey, not a destination. Recognizing your struggles and continuing to seek peace with them is the most important step. Best of luck to you 🙂

    • Thank you! You’re definitely right-college really is a huge change. I’m trying to take everything in stride and keep perspective!

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  6. Thank you for sharing – I actually think that these sorts of posts are more inspiration and helpful to readers than ones where everything is fine and dandy and a bit overly perfect. Because life isn’t perfect. Stuff like college and mono happens which shakes the boat! I really struggled with my self-image when I gained in my first year of university. And again when I moved in with my boyfriend. It felt like I was trapped in this body which didn’t look like me. But slowly and surely I returned back to how I remembered myself… The great thing though was that to everyone else I was exactly 100% the same throughout that whole period. And right now you are 100% you too 🙂 !

    • Thank you for this! Life does happen sometimes, and it’s best not to dwell on the past, but instead look to the future!

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