Ok guys, I’m super nervous to write this post. It’s going to be pretty honest, and I’m scared. But I do feel like I need to be honest with you guys. Bear with me, as I’m not 100% sure as to the direction of this post. 

I want to start out by discussing Amanda’s post. She talks about fears related to “impostor syndrome”-the concern that one feels as if he/she is faking what he/she is doing, and will be found out. She discusses the fears that her flaws will be found out.

Wow.

I can definitely relate to this, especially as a “healthy living” blogger. I definitely feel like I’m being hypocritical. I don’t feel as fit as I should be to consider myself a decent healthy living blogger. So here it is. I’m owning it. 

How can I promote healthy habits when in the time since starting this blog, I’ve gained a lot of weight? Just to be clear-the gain has nothing to do with blogging. Circumstances in my life have changed and things have happened (hellooo mono).

Have you noticed I’ve hardly posted any recent pictures? Why? To be perfectly honest, I’m embarrassed. And scared. I don’t want to lose my validity as a blogger because of my body. Because I don’t exactly feel like it’s my body. It doesn’t represent me and my interests. Just because I’m not 100% healthy does not mean that I want to be, or that I care any less about my health. 

I’m still extremely active. I just haven’t found the right balance in a while. And I HATEHATEHATE talking about weight on my blog because it makes me uncomfortable, but I have to own it. And maybe that’s the first step to finding a solution.

And again, to be honest, this is part of why I haven’t looked into getting a spin certification too closely. I feel like I don’t look the part. But you now what? That’s just stupid. If I have a passion, I should pursue it. I’m still fit and muscular. I just have a little more body fat than normal. Since we’re being honest. 

And since we’re being super honest, let’s go into why I need to find peace with myself and get the excess off.  

I’d be lying if I said my freshman year wasn’t hard. But before I go complaining, I don’t want to make it seem like I didn’t have a great year. I really did, I loved the new experiences and new people. But I made it harder than it needed to be. 

Because here’s the thing about being a health-obsessed and fit person. Gaining weight sucks. I mean it sucks for anyone, but it made me feel so powerless. After overeating something, I would panic. I would wonder why I couldn’t control myself. I would wish for the body I had a few months before. And when you have a decent sized course load, those moments are especially bad. I would have times where all I could do was just stare at my computer screen, or frantically scour the internet for a solution. Or map out my eating, my future plans, anything I thought would help. It made schoolwork almost impossible. (I would like to clarify though-it’s not like I failed all my classes. A lot of this time came out of my sleep.)

Part of this panic/sadness was the result of sugar/carb crash. I always felt like sugar messed with my hormones and made me crazy. And when gaining weight, I was eating a lot of sugar. That my friends is  recipe for disaster. 

I decided to share this with you guys because I had a similar panic experience the other day and realized it hadn’t happened in a while. I’m eating way better than a few months ago, but I did quite a bit of damage on the scale (and yes, I know the number isn’t everything) with bad eating habits early on. I also realized that I need to get to a place where I’m happy and comfortable, and in control before school starts so I can do well in my classes with no distractions. Hopefully my grand admission will help kick my butt in gear to get to where I need to be. So here I am, owning it.