I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to make Mean Girls references given I’ve only seen the movie 2x and the only reason I know quotes is that everyone says them so often. So there’s that. Today was…interesting. Morning Spin, food, more food.
Whole wheat pancakes crumbled over plain Greek yogurt and fruit.
I guess I’ll share my lunch, but it’s not the prettiest. My morning routine is ridiculous. Lunch was thrown together in a minute on the way out of the door. I normally step out of the shower 3 minutes before I have to leave. For the record, I have yet to be late.
White sweet potato with salsa and huac, plus a tangerine.
Also-the secret to mystery bread revealed!
The ingredient I was missing was the apple…so I was pretty close in my guesses. But guess what my new Spring Break project is going to be?
This afternoon I went to get a haircut and new running shoes, which is where things kind of went downhill. The haircut was great, in and out in 5 minutes with from what I can tell is a decent cut! I definitely let my hair get too long last/beginning of this year in college. I guess it’s just not something I think of!
I went to the same place I always go for running shoes, to get the kind I always get. The only color they had left in my size was…pink. Meh.
I’m not a pink person. I can’t handle pink shoes. I own almost nothing pink. But I bought them anyways. And I really greatly dislike them.
In the car on the way back, I totally lost it. About something as silly as buying the wrong color of shoes. I hate myself for hating them. I hate myself for buying something I know I wouldn’t like, and not just ASKING them to order a different color.
But this isn’t about shoes. This is about this quarter. This is about my life. All of the sudden, it all came out. The Bio program at my college is the top in the country. I’m in classes with, living with, interacting with some of the best and most driven minds of the country. And to say the least it’s incredibly humbling, if not downright discouraging at times.
With that little pair of shoes, everything that had built up, everything I had been blocking out, numb to, came pouring into the forefront of my mind and I lost it. I’m not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not fast enough. I can’t keep up. Everyone here is too brilliant. I still haven’t figured out how to eat in college. The extra weight I still carry around seems to constant weigh on me (pun sort of intended) and I can’t seem to figure out how to make that go away. I mess up messing up. I’m not social enough. Not involved in enough.
It’s amazing what a little pair of shoes can do, huh?
I considered going to yoga instead of Crossfit tonight since we were doing heavy squats and I’m running 11 miles tomorrow. But I’m so glad I didn’t. Sometimes, you just need to lift heavy things, and I brought the emotion into my workout with vengeance. We did 3 sets of 3 squats at 87% max and 1 at 95% max. It was heavy but it felt amazing to push through. We also worked on pull up strength, and guess what?
I DID MY FIRST PULL UP. EVER!
I know a lot of people like running for therapy, but I have to say, nothing compares to lifting heavy things.
I did lose it again later though, and now I have a searing headache to show for it. As for the shoes? I’m not sure what to do. I’m considering returning them and ordering a better color. It all is so ridiculous. But I feel so bad about that and I’m sort of emotionally attached to them yet still really don’t like them. I’m not even sure what would make me happier at this point. I’m pretty sure the shoes are an analogy for my life which is why they are hitting a cord, but I haven’t totally figured that out yet.
I know I don’t usually get super personal on here, so not sure why I decided to today. Maybe to show that that’s how you get your first pull up? Hah.
I guess to show that rough days happen and that you’re never alone. And if a pair of shoes makes you sob into your new haircut, it’s probably not just the shoes.